Contributed by Sean Smedley, MHC Board of Directors

COVID – when the world came to understand the importance of mental health. It caused all of us to deal with something we had never dealt with before or could have conceived.

Imagine feeling like the world could finally appreciate the perspective and position of those of us who identified, managed, often felt un-managed, often hid and often felt ashamed about, but kept on trying until we found or find the right rhythm for ourselves.

Growing up with an alcoholic and often abusive dad (may he continue to rest in peace) and the chaos that comes with this, I don’t think I was conscious of my mental health (initially). As I continued to travel the road of life and began to engage in relationships (both romantic and with friends), I realized the trauma from my past was preventing me from keeping connections. I would “disappear” or behave so badly they would get ghost, quick.

My father died by suicide when I was 19 years old. I was away at school in Virginia when I received the news. In that moment, my entire world stopped. It wasn’t until many years later, therapy, a deep rooted spiritual connection, Faith and Hope and a whole work that I came to a point of understanding and acceptance. In that moment on October 1997 I stopped the kid in me. I refused to grow up. My dad would never come and get me – that little boy from the playground. While all the other kid’s parents took them home. My inner kid stayed in that moment. If we stayed there we didn’t have to accept he was gone and we didn’t have to move on with life a life that up until that point had never been “void” of him. While he had often been absent – he was still alive.

I went through many more years of failed relationships, lack of connection, lots of disappointing other people, and lots of disappointing me. In 2012 I met a guy from Philly mid-way between both of us in New York. Probably, the best first date of my life. My pattern had been if it was a good first date, I was already at what our first year anniversary would look like before the second date – only for it to end quickly due to my abandonment issues not only creeping in but kicking the door in “you rang?”. And it did not fail to show up right on time. We moved fast and then it/I became too “clingy” and he ended it. Each time someone ended a relationship with me, it was like the moment in October 1997 was happening right then. Oh no, not another person leaving me on the playground.

I spiraled into a not so good place. By this time, I had developed a pattern of not letting anyone “get away with leaving me” they might have left, but I had justified that the pain that they had resurfaced from 1997, they would also feel. After a few days processing the hurt and now guilt from the bad behavior and embarrassment of my actions, I realized in a short time how this particular individual who was in recovery had shown me – that it was time for me to stop blaming everyone else for what was in my “carry on” that I had refused to acknowledge. I started seeing a therapist weekly. On my first visit I was given a book “Until Enlightenment.” I read that book feverishly. It focused on the inner kid and how that inner kid drives the bus and mine drove it recklessly all over town for years. While I had continued to do well professionally, I was merely a well-dressed mess – struggling most days to keep it together.

I did a great job at therapy and lived for years in this confined, disciplined, and “do the right thing” space. Always on the quest for approval from someone who could not/was not here to give it to me – my father. That realization or not wanting to deal with the pain of that fact led me to medicate via substance. Although the time in therapy had proved to give me such balance and structure and allowed me to find purpose, this piece caused me to retreat from even that.

While I still remained professionally high functioning (well truthfully, maybe medium functioning) there were still things in my “carry on” that were covered up by what I did not want to accept. I did find my way out of that place and engaged in healthy behavior. I moved to a Life Coach that has been an orchestrated send into my life to guide me to heal the deepest unhealed places and that will always be a work in progress.

Through all of this I have always kept my Faith – that my mother and mother’s mother instilled in me as a child – the smile that is a duplicate of my momma’s and the courage to smile as she did during some of the most difficult times on our journey.

Hope – never letting go of it. Knowing that each day, no matter what it brings, has some opportunity to grow and learn within it.

Resilience – in the aftermath of my father’s departure. At some point I decided and committed that whatever the situation or question life presented. There is always a response and an answer and I charged myself to always look and look until I find it.

Everyday is not a walk through a field of beautiful flowers. It’s on the days there are clouds that I am reminded it takes all types of conditions for things to grow.

I love inspirational quotes and try to post them daily on social media. They help me heal and set intentions for the day. I have been told by numerous people how much they help them too. I laugh and share laughter as often as possible. If you’ve met me, you know we are going to accomplish a lot of stuff… you also know we will have fun, cry, laugh, love, and forgive.

The journey of the caterpillar does not end when it goes into darkness for 21 days. It actually becomes the most beautiful it has ever been. As we navigate this journey that bends and turns and twists we will have dark times that cause us to look inward if we take the time to heal and transform from within. We, like the caterpillar, can become the best and most beautiful version of ourselves than we ever imagined…

Leave what does not need to move forward behind – The weight can only be lifted once we release it.

It was when I realized that I was holding the weight that was holding me down – I realized I also had the power to release it – and releasing it released me.

#SelfcareSaturday
#31DaysofWellness